Month: April 2011

Its your favorite time of the week again folks, its time for another edition of the AM Times. So lets step back from the madness, grab a cup of coffee, or rum for you Mr_Xela, kick back and leave the crime for later.

The Gambino Crime Family

The Gambino Crime Family are one of the most powerful and respected families in America, ruling New York with an iron fist. The Gambinos took New York when Constantine, former leader of New York and The Barzini Crime Family was killed (see previous article). The Gambinos are a friendly family, taking in all comers with welcome arms, teaching the new Mafioso’s the ropes and making them prosper as they grow. When asked what he thought it was that made Benny such a good family leader, Lou-The-Wrench replied, he takes care and protects his own. Even one of the most powerful and respected players in the game, Jackass, says he is a hark working guy. Short, sweet and simple is all that is needed to describe Benny and his family, they have proven to be worthy of the respect and fear shown. If you would like to join the Gambinos speak to one of their members and they will get you set up.

Guards To Get Aggressive And Gunny

The prison walls are becoming full of carvings and graffiti and the cell mates are starting to pass the time by talking to each other. Since the resent ban of blackjack in many county jails, cell mates have found other ways to pass the time. Guards constantly walk by cells to hear laughing and goofing around like teenage boys. It has gotten to the point that people are committing misdemeanours to get into jail and have fun too. Local jails are making the push to bring back blackjack so that the jails do not become overcrowded with people thus increasing taxes to feed the people that ran over your dog in his car. Guards are also paying the price having to regularly walk into cells and redo the walls with paint and fill in carvings done by inmates. Some guards think its a good thing that inmates are so happy because in-jail murder rates have gone down tremendously. Some guards even join in the boys club of the cell mates.

This could be bad because many believe, being close friends with the jailbirds means the guards will start bringing in beers and other things the inmates want to have a good time which would inturn make even more people want to go to jail. Soon enough we may have the full country inside prisons having a good time. But having a good time is not what this country is about, it’s about working until you’re old and about to retire realizing your 401K bank account only has $5 in it and having to work until you die. Ah America.

Story written by somehobo606

Interview With A Local Mafioso

Thanks for sitting down with me this evening, I understand you would like to remain anonymous for this interview so we will refer to you as, it puts the lotion on the skin.

Thanks for having me Lexi and I just wanted to say I love what you’ve done with the paper.

So it puts the lotion on the skin, how do you like the life of a gangster?

Well Lexi it is very rewarding, you get a s**t load of money and girls, what else in life is there? You also get lifelong friends that are willing to do anything to help you.

What did you think of the war between The Barzinis and The Gambinos? Where you rooting for a certain side?

It was sad to see such an influential member die but also good to get to see a new era. I wasn’t on a side in particular but I was hoping for some changes.

What are your views on the new President?

Going by the interview he had with you I think he is spending a little to much time parading around gloating about being President and not enough time making any changes.

And it puts the lotion on the skin do you condone the killing of inactive thugs for ranking purposes?

As long as the people killing the inactive don’t get blood hungry and start killing active members im fine with it, done it myself one or two times.

And what do you think of all the talk about spies in the families?

Its just wrong, the families are suppose to be united yet they are resorting to putting spies in one an others families. Its disgusting, these actions are what starts wars and cause people to get killed, hopefully the bosses will come to their sense and pull their spies out.

Thanks again for your time it puts the lotion on the skin, I wish you success in the future.

Thanks you Lexi, its nice get my opinions out there.

Signed,

It puts the lotion on the skin.

Cemetery Report

Although it has been a peaceful week there are still a few killings.
A local Wiseguy from the Gambino Family, Krypto, was killed in his house by an unknown person, reports say there was no sign of forced entry. An earner from the Monster Alliance, mix7476, was said to have confess to Krypto’s murder which got him killed. There has been no evidence of the confession as of yet.

Another Earner from the Gambino Family, Ronnie-Moretti, was found dead in the families mansion with an other family member, Huts, standing over him with a gun in hand. Huts was shot instantly.

Jomma, a boss from the Corleone Crime Family, was found dead at a local park recently. No witnesses have come forward as of yet but if you have any leads please contact a member of the AM Times.

Another family betrayal has left an Earner by the name of Vato in the cemetery. Vato attack a fellow member of the Monster Alliance, gdmix74 lucky surviving the attacks.

Joke Of The Week

There was a guy named Billy, he has been wanting to sleep with this girl he sees everyday. He didn’t have the courage to ask her out, so he offered her $100 to have to have sex with him. He was gonna throw it on the ground, and he promised to be done before she could pick it up. She declined, but when she told her boyfriend about it that night, her boyfriend quickly said, Tell him $200 and he can do it. So, when she saw Billy the next day, she said, OK… $200 and let’s get it done. Shortly after she spoke with Billy, her boyfriend tried to call her but there was no answer. She called him back 30 minutes later, and her boyfriend picked up yelling, What the hell took you so long?!. And she said, That son of a b***h had all quarters!
Joke sent in by Lou-The-Wrench

Chamber of Commerce top business owners

LexiRae 5

Mr_Xela 5

Thunder 5

Benny__Noodles 5

Somehobo606 3

Kid-blasto 2

Good morning ladies and Mafioso, welcome to another edition of the AM Times. This past fortnight there has been a lot of new gangsters killed due to more experienced, high ranked players. We also have an interview with the old AM Times editor, Mr-Vercetti. The Story Of Mr-Vercetti Vercetti started out as a thug in Constantine’s family, The Barzini Crime Family. He was in this family for a long time, rising up the ranks and gaining respect, with most people. That is when he met LexiRae and they got married, lucky man

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No its TheRuthlessKing and KevinK in tights?

There have been reports of TheRuthlessKing and his sidekick, KevinK, running around in tights pretending to be superheros. Our phones have been ringing none stop with people telling us about the pair walking up to criminals and glove slapping them. One witness said they tried to stop a robbery when the robber pulled out a gun and shot Kevin in the a**. His wound healed quickly, becoming a world class table tennis champ while in recovery, with TheRuthlessKing not leaving his side. When Kevin was healthy they got right back into the tights not wasting any time. If you see these men on the streets do not approach them, you will get an eye full of camel toe which will scar you for life.

Superman Joke

Superman was terribly bored with fighting crime, so one Friday night he decided to go out on the town to have some fun for a change.

He dropped by Batman’s house. Hey Batman, he said. Wanna go out tonight?

No, I can’t, replied Batman. The Batmobile is broken and I gotta’ stay home and fix it, or else I won’t be able to fight crime.

You loser, said Superman, and he flew away in disgust.

He then decided to stop by Spiderman’s house. Hey, Spidey, how about hitting the town tonight, you and me, he said.

I’d love to, but I can’t, replied Spiderman. My web-slinger is jammed and I gotta fix it in order to fight crime.

Superman, all disgusted, quipped: You loser. Go ahead–stay home on a Friday night and fix your damned web-slinger.

He again flew away.

While flying around the city looking for something to do, his super vision spotted Wonder Woman lying on her back, stark naked and spread-eagle!

Superman thought, Hey, I’m Superman, so I can fly down there at the speed of light, have a quickie and she’ll never know the difference!

Wonder Woman said, What the hell was that?

The Invisible Man said, I don’t know, but it hurt like hell!

Mafia Joke

The mafia had an opening for a hit man . After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.

For the final test, the mafia agent took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair .. . . kill her!!

The man said, You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.

The agent said, Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.

The agent said, You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

This gun is loaded with blanks she said. I had to beat him to death with the damn chair.

Its time to cast your vote America, to mug or not to mug. There is a new poll to see if members will be able to mug each other. If you would like to cast a vote go to News > Polls and cast. Also there is a tread in the Admins Forum where you can personally state your opinion.

Its time to start stocking up on those chips everyone because poker is back and its right at your door step. Gather up a few friends, grab a few beers and have a bit of friendly competition. Or if your like me and want to play for the glory and fame there is a leader board that shows the top 15 players. If you want to play poker just go to Gamble > Poker and then all you need to do is start playing.

The tabloid is now up and running again. If you have any jokes or stories send them to me and they will be put in. They jokes don’t have to be mafia related and the stories don’t have to be true. So get writing America.

Look out for the next edition of the AM Times, hitting the shelves in a weeks time.

Till next time America.

LexiRae – Head Editor of the American Mafia Times